Thursday 8 December 2011

Scared of Scarring

I'm feeling a bit scared.
I'm not very well again and while I'm pretty sure it's just a blip it's knocked my confidence rather.
I hate this... even with the depression I can normally be strict Ceri, I find a way through whatever barrier is there, somehow, coz I'm either tenacious or pigheaded depending on if you're trying to compliment/insult me.

However, when my MS screws up I can really do naff all about it. I can fight, and push and kick and scream all I like but I only end up more stuck. Thing is, I can't not do anything because that's just counter productive and leaves me in an even worse situation. The line between completely screwed and the right amount is totally on a hairpin trigger; I'm not always aware of how far I'm pushing and other times I think I'll be ok because I want to be.

It used to be ok because I could push myself further, because I've not been very well recently (with my first attack in 7 odd years) I'm continually surprised by how easily I can mess myself up, I'm not used to it. I'd do a great many things differently if I could go back in time but one would definitely be to not look what was relatively good health in the mouth.... that metaphor was weird; health has no mouth!

But yeah, I now tread a very odd line, in ground I am not used to between messed up mental and physical health, being very much more aware that I am beholden to them. I used to be ok the majority of the time with periods of worse health, now it's more navigating between shit health periods trying desperately to push hard enough to regain something but not pushing so hard as to end up back in bed.

I would like to say at this point that it's not fun, I didn't choose this and honestly I wish someone would just come and take it all away. Anyone who EVER thinks that this is some kind of fun life, living off the state and not being able to take care of yourself, how would you feel if you couldn't do basic things like the washing up or bathing, let alone working?

Anyways, yeah scared, always scared... but just lately, more scared of the scars than most other things, both the mental and the physical.
And trying to cope and look like I know what I'm doing, despite everything

Darn my myelin >.<

Ceri :-)

1 comment:

  1. Oh love, no wonder you're depressed. I'm so sorry. xxx