Monday 5 December 2011

Field of Innocence

Hi, I’m Ceri and I’m a depressive.

I don’t honestly remember a time in my life, not one solitary moment when I felt ok, and alright and whole by myself, not once, ever.
I’m starting to get a handle on the fact that I am wrong, that my insides are wrong and that I don’t need outside input to tell me that I am a worthwhile person. I guess it’s the old tree falling in the forest with nobody around issue. What does it matter if I’m a good person if nobody realises?

I have been told many times recently that my identity should come from within me; however I think everyone just seems to think that I can accept this, and move on immediately as if awoken from a dream knowing the overriding truth.

I don’t.

I am getting better, I am more in control of my feelings now, they don’t own me like they used to, I used to be a whirling, screeching cacophony of feelings and urges and intentions and purity and that’s been muddied by the world.

A world I really don’t want to be a part of! It’s horrible, and bleak, and lonely, and cold and I don’t like it very much at all! However, I can accept that I am in it and not fight quite so hard against the current.

I can accept that a world filled with wondrous things can also be filled with crap, I don’t have to like it, and I can spend lots of my time thinking about ways to change it, and make it better, or decorate the crap and put a bow on it. However, I don’t think there’s any getting away from the fact that it’s crap!

It sucks that I have to be in a crap filled world, I am starting to accept it, I am starting to find coping mechanisms after many, many years of pretending the crap wasn’t there, or that it was the exception to the rule.

What I may have to eventually accept, for good or ill is that the world is like my heart used to be, a tumultuous journey and sea storm filled with waves and troughs and swells and drift wood and all manner of crap! I have just had to substitute what I saw as a stable world with a shifting heart and instead make myself the anchor.

I don’t have to like it though, it’s a bit shit, but you guys can come with me and be my friend if you like, I will sometimes need a hug, but most of the time I’ll be the one with her arms outstretched offering other people hugs. Coz I am FRIGGING awesome like that, it’s kinda my thing.

So yeah, I may not be anywhere near being “fixed” but neither is the world, and as I once said to an old friend, if you’re not depressed I can only assume you’ve not been paying attention!

I think this sums it up pretty well...

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