Sewing a Nexus 7 cover

While I spent my childhood with an adept sewer for a mum, I never was much cop myself, in fact I'm still not. But at least nowadays I can manage a fairly straight seem on the machine. I have always wanted to be good at sewing, but never practised enough to actually attain that level of competency.

So here's the deal, I recently received my new nexus 7 tablet (free gift with my new phone contract) and so bought a Bluetooth keyboard/cover to go with it, however I had had the idea of sliding the entire thing into a nice 'envelope' style case since I saw @mlbrook put her Mac book in a similar case when we did the social media videos (I still need to finish the post about that process off!).

So anyway, back to the sewing talk, I was having a short out of clothes and was sorting out a few bags for charity when I came across a purple tank top that I adore but just didn't fit right.
Eventually u decided that actually this was a good candidate for felting in the washing machine and though it didn't work properly it did make me think of the case I really liked.

I picked up the teal coloured polyester satin from a remanant bin in the haberdashery dept of John Lewis in town earlier. I just cut out the shapes I needed (further instructions to follow) and with a bit of machine sewing and the occasional but of unpicking when I got the pattern in my head turned around I left a smallish gap of a few inches at the side to turn it right way out and sewed that bit up by hand.

Then I took a bit of a risk and used the button hole setting on my sewing machine for the first time... Cut a slit in the centre of that and then finished with a button, et voilà a very cute little nexus 7 pouch in a few hours!

Having a little difficulty

I haven't written in a while, mainly because my life has been so crazy I've not actually written any goals for 2013 because I've not really had any head space to write them.

I think I'm going to try to in fact just write here, once a day if possible, just as a general diary, doesn't matter about what but just getting my thoughts down is a good step forward I think.

Goals I want to get done before the end of January

My Goals for Jan 2013

1:To clear out my flat, to truly get rid of stuff I don't need and to make space for me to be me.
2:To clear out my clothes, trying to just keep the things that are good quality and fit well.
3:To do my physio more often and increase my strength.
4:To refer myself to the exercise program.
5:To spend more time at home to look after me.
6:To sort through my paper work and actually find a more usable system, shred what I don't need to keep.
7:Put Shelves up because it might be a while til I get to move and I need to try to get my stuff sorted.
8:Contact the Richmond Trust and get on their books.
9:Go through debts and try to sort a plan of action.
10:Buy more waste paper baskets to keep my place more manageable and easily tidy-able

Accepting the problem exists without judging

My flat is a mess, it always has been to be honest, my varying mental states and energy levels mean I don't clear mess and trash (such as empty soda bottles and crisp packets, chocolate wrappers etc.) away, often because I want to recycle them but have nowhere to put them. I don't have places for my stuff, everything is higgledy and nothing (or very few things) have a home.

This is partially caused by my own apathy and fear, the "where do I start?" phenomenon. A strong contributing factor is my lack of feeling like I am the owner of my own personal space. I get things for "the flat" and not for me. I have no idea of how to organise things in a consistent, reproducable, and comfortable manner. I am aware this sounds like an excuse but in all honesty I don't think that's entirely the problem.

I think maybe in the way I don't value my own emotional and physical space as separate entities from those around me, I also never want to throw things away because they're useful, or I might need them some day.
It's plain to see that this way of thinking about my life and space is unsustainable and that I will always end up in a hurricanous whirling mess.

It fills me with more fear than you know, dear reader, to think that I am a "Horder" as I don't want to be like this, it will not help me in the long run and it just leads back to depression.
I have depression, but I also have physical health problems that mean that my activity is limited to the most "important" things, which invariably is friends and family however, spreading myself thin in this way leads to no respite and as I try to create a safe mental place for myself I also need to create a haven for my physical body to inhabit.

I was recently seen by an occupational therapist who will try to get me fairly high on the council list for a new, bigger, easier to manage flat. Obviousy I need to think about how to go through my stuff, not only to sort myself out for now but to create a safe place for my siblings to stay too and so I do not have too many boxes come moving time.

I think tomorrow I will start by writing down what I would like to achieve over the next 6-12 months.

I hope to write tomorrow.
(Written 03/01/13)

Veggie whatever you have Goulash

Hi, in an attempt to get blogging again I'm just popping in this recipe because it's unbelievably easy and I can't believe I didn't know how to do it until a few months ago.

Ingredients: Whatever you have really but I put in

1 tin of chopped tomatoes
1/2 a butternut squash
1 small Swede
1 courgette
3 mushrooms
3 peppers
2 carrots
1 parsnip
2 stock cubes
a few shakes of nutmeg, ginger and cinnamon
a whole load of shakes of paprika
soy sauce (and Worcester sauce if you have a veggie one)
little pasta shapes (I have stars)
dumplings! :-D

Chop all veg up, shove in large slow cooker (think my new one is 3 litres), put in the tin of tomatoes and stock cubes, put in boiled water and spices/soy sauce and place slow cooker on low overnight or on high for 6 odd hours.
Keep pasta and dumplings out until approx 45mins before serving, then put in to cook. When the dumplings are fat dish up, and then die of YUM!

No idea how many this serves but it makes approx 3 litres of goulash. To make non veggie add meat! :-)

High-Low!

It has been a while since I wrote on here, I have been feeling a bit shit, so I've not really felt up to it.

I'm still navigating the process of having any help at all for my mental health.
The things that have changed.
I'm seeing a different doctor who's not my GP but is absolutely lovely and seems to take a genuine interest in how the whole of me is doing.
I have now been referred by her for definite (i.e. it's in my notes now) to the CMHT who are taking their own sweet time in doing anything about my referral. They're meant to have a 2 week turn around but it's been 3 and still no contact, I'm meant to go back to see her if I don't hear anything in another week or 2.

My meds have been changed, so now I am on Sertraline, the reduction of citalopram mixed with the change to sertraline and this means I have been all over the place while my brain chemistry sorts itself out, especially as my MS has been all over with the heat and doing too much physically.

Also, had my first counseling appointment, was nice to catch up but it is very scary and I'm not sure I feel safe enough to let go and start unpacking things at the moment, I need to actually cope first with day to day life.

Some sources of stress have reduced, some are bigger, overall I feel like I'm just reacting to life now instead of actually having time to think, I'm not very well at all and I keep being reminded of that, and when I do it leads to feelings of inadequacy and the desire to do more and more to fill up the empty. However, I know ultimately this is unsustainable. I really have to try and learn to do pacing, however I also need to have support while doing this as I'm still not coping too well.

Anyways, things are starting to feel like they're getting somewhere, still finding it difficult to stop at all though, I very rarely am not doing something at all. I need to slow down a bit before I break.

Anyways, thought I'd keep y'all updated on my quest to get some form of help.
*waves to everyone*

A Letter to Cam-Mind

I just sent this email to cam-mind in the hope of getting some support, I post it here in the hope it will help others.

Subject: Support and possible advocacy
Hi, My name is Ceri and I am currently struggling with my mental health.

I have had depression for a few years now and it effects all aspects of my life.
I am having major problems with my mental health, especially as I am caring for many people in my life. I also have MS.
I have been referred to the counselling service at Lawrence way and have had an initial appointment, am waiting another 3 months at least for actual counselling.
I am currently having difficulty with communication with my doctor, because I rarely act on the impulses I have to self harm and don't think I would act on impulses to end my life though they are very tempting and I really want to at the time, I don't feel I am being taken seriously. She has referred me to a gateway worker at the surgery but this apparently takes months.
In the mean time she wanted me to get on the waiting list for choices for women (which I haven't yet done) and my friend took me to A&E after a bit of a crisis. The Psychiatrist at the hospital said I would be referred to the community mental health team as an urgent case. More than 2 weeks later (just this morning) I went to my GP to chase up what was going on to be told that she had thought the A&E doc had done it but hadn't. She is now reducing my citalopram to 10mg from 20mg in order to up my amitriptyline (for MS pain) to 50mg from 30mg. I told her that since then I had spent half an hour in the bath sobbing because I wanted to self harm so much with the razor I used to shave my legs. I have not even been given a PHQ9 by her (I am a health science graduate so knew what to look for on the internet, just took and got a 21) and I feel I have more complex problems than (and this is a direct quote) "Just moderate depression". I simply cannot cope much longer, I am falling apart and need help but am running out of ways I know to ask for it.
Please forgive me for being so frank, I could just really do with some help accessing services and support. I'm not an emergency, just not up to a wait of 3 months.
Thanks

Braindump! - Update

I am sitting here, having had a fairly major panic attack and hysteria episode one step from self harming, still quite close if I'm honest.
I have a doctor's appointment in the am, to discuss my mental health and that I think I need more  support, and possibly assessment by a psyche professional. I figure I'm not sleeping right now so I guess I could write down what's up and maybe it could help with tomorrow.
There's no reason why I can't share it with you guys.
I feel completely petrified of being abandoned all the time, anyone who I care about either has or in my mind will abandon me when they find out what a terrible person I am.
In the pursuit of trying to alleviate this I have been known to let people walk all over me, to cause great physical and mental distress to myself and sometimes lie to try to provide support to everyone in my life so that they do not abandon me.
This is because I feel empty all the time, I feel that I am not worth anything and that my life when not filled with other people ultimately is grotesque and completely devoid of meaning.
I feel as though I have no internal validation and therefore I must always be validated externally, continually. The ideal, though I can never attain it is to be held in good esteem by every single person I meet in my life, for the entire of my life.
To do this I act recklessly, I overstretch myself financially, I binge eat continually, hardly eating sometimes while eating to excess at others, I binge socialise and I run myself into the ground continually to seek approval. I start to fall apart if I meet two opposing opinions on what I should be doing and I start to internalise this which can lead to self harm or an alarming lack of self care on occasion.
I try to be everyone, I try to be a counsellor, a mother, a daughter a friend, a sister, a lover, a companion with everything that is in me, to complete these task to perfection is the overwhelming aim of my life, what else could there be?
I get very upset, because I CAN'T be everyone, if I dress in black I am invariably upsetting someone, as I would be if I put my hair up or wore jeans, slight preferences become very important things to be achieved within my mind, if I can't do them I am failing in some massive way.
This leads to me feeling extremely upset, if I cope I am failing, if I self harm I am failing, if I play games I am failing, I can never be good enough for everyone.
I have been known to self harm, I am very prone to thoughts of harming myself or suicidal thoughts, though because of the aforesaid need to please I manage to overcome these in the main because I feel I can't fail in that way, I feel I do not have enough control over myself to even be free to self injure, or indeed do this with food, this I believe is part of why I binge eat, it is a form of self harm and control, wildly flailing from one extreme to the next.
While talking about flailing, I often flail into very deep pits of hysterical crying and critical thinking, they used to be very common, and now are monthly/quarterly but they last anything from 4 hours to a week now, I have learnt to ride them out in the main and to talk about them, but I feel suicidal and like self harming, it used to be catastrophic, especially for my relationships as people often tried to fix what was wrong and couldn't see why I was so upset. It was a very long time before I realised it was a cycle, I always thought it was about something wrong in my life and when I couldn't think what was wrong I would normally be able to find something. Now I know it's an acute anxiety attack and that it will fade with time.
I tend to latch onto people and form very close attachments where they quickly become the centre of my world and I lose my sense of self, everything becomes about pleasing them and this becomes very difficult to square up with the rest of my world.
My sleep pattern is all over, because my self care and boundaries are total rubbish I tend to let my awake/sleep pattern slide all over, I fit my schedule around others and sleep when I can.
I tend to make choices about my life by amalgamating what everyone else wants for me, this can be exacerbated by whoever I have talked to most at the time and trying to please them. Things tend to be unsustainable in the long term and fall apart, leading to paralysing fear of completing a task I have failed at, of phoning up to pay a bill I am behind on etc. I am so scared of confrontation and failure that I will make things worse in an attempt to avoid facing it.
Right, I'm sure this isn't anywhere near all of the crap that is wrong with me but now I am going to get a drink and go to bed because I have the Doctor's in the am, am very tired and also dehydrated and nauseous, when I get fraught with emotion I have to strongly fight the urge to throw up to steady my nerves, mixed with the overproduction of acid that happens when I'm feeling naff and it all goes a bit wrong really.
Anyways, night guys.
I shall try to take this with me tomorrow
Ceri-Womble x

EDIT: In all the excitement I forgot that when I get started on a task I find it very difficult to complete as I go completely overboard. The other week I cleaned my sink as the start of a new leaf. I started at midnight with soaking it with a bleach mixture, finished at about half 2 and then started again as soon as I got up for about 4-5 hours because it wasn't right. I was so upset it wasn't perfect that I was close to tears and filed, sanded and buffed it. I do this whenever I try to do something properly, I go overboard and can't cope when things aren't perfect.
The sink still worries me because it's yet another part of my life I can't control!

- UPDATE -
I went to the doctor's, she can't do anything to change my medication, she suggested a local charity that may be able to help me but have a waiting list of a year, and said she would refer me to someone who does assessments at my local surgery (a gateway worker or something). As it happened, later that day the local counselling place I had been on the waiting list for for a month or so phoned up with a first appointment for Monday.
Still, it doesn't really help that I go to my Doctor, having obviously been up and crying all night (she was visibly shocked at my appearance) and was offered nothing by way of additional help, after asking for it because I was in crisis.
This is ridiculous, what on earth am I meant to do? It was only coincidence that the counselling people came through on the same day for Pete's sake, and no offer of any increase or change in medication despite saying I had once again felt suicidal/like self harming.
Me-thinks it might be time to change GP!

On the upside I am feeling much better now, though I have gone through 1 day of horrendous headache and one of a migraine before feeling better. I have wonderful friends and supportive family who have helped me through but not everyone has these amazing people to support them! Minimum intervention can't always work!