Monday 7 January 2013

Accepting the problem exists without judging

My flat is a mess, it always has been to be honest, my varying mental states and energy levels mean I don't clear mess and trash (such as empty soda bottles and crisp packets, chocolate wrappers etc.) away, often because I want to recycle them but have nowhere to put them. I don't have places for my stuff, everything is higgledy and nothing (or very few things) have a home.

This is partially caused by my own apathy and fear, the "where do I start?" phenomenon. A strong contributing factor is my lack of feeling like I am the owner of my own personal space. I get things for "the flat" and not for me. I have no idea of how to organise things in a consistent, reproducable, and comfortable manner. I am aware this sounds like an excuse but in all honesty I don't think that's entirely the problem.

I think maybe in the way I don't value my own emotional and physical space as separate entities from those around me, I also never want to throw things away because they're useful, or I might need them some day.
It's plain to see that this way of thinking about my life and space is unsustainable and that I will always end up in a hurricanous whirling mess.

It fills me with more fear than you know, dear reader, to think that I am a "Horder" as I don't want to be like this, it will not help me in the long run and it just leads back to depression.
I have depression, but I also have physical health problems that mean that my activity is limited to the most "important" things, which invariably is friends and family however, spreading myself thin in this way leads to no respite and as I try to create a safe mental place for myself I also need to create a haven for my physical body to inhabit.

I was recently seen by an occupational therapist who will try to get me fairly high on the council list for a new, bigger, easier to manage flat. Obviousy I need to think about how to go through my stuff, not only to sort myself out for now but to create a safe place for my siblings to stay too and so I do not have too many boxes come moving time.

I think tomorrow I will start by writing down what I would like to achieve over the next 6-12 months.

I hope to write tomorrow.
(Written 03/01/13)

1 comment:

  1. I don't know whether this can help you but it has helped me. I also suffer from depression and when I moved into my flat, I went through some what of a similar thing that you are going through now. The only thing that helped at the time and a slow realisation that I was secure. I hope that you can also feel that way once you move to a bigger palce. There is a page that I follow on facebook:
    I hope that this may be of help to you as it has be to me.