tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-63756876778776638862024-02-19T02:28:29.542+00:00The Wobbly WombleMaking Good Use of Bad Rubbish.Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.comBlogger112125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-18476973129559385292016-04-24T22:14:00.000+01:002016-04-24T22:17:12.214+01:00Hamlet or tempest? Something is rotten in the state of local politics. I have been thinking about the election happening in Cambridge on the 5th of May.<br />
Something is rotten in the state of local politics.<br />
<br />
I have been thinking about how difficult it is for people who aren't from traditional backgrounds from entering the politics arena to do so without falling fowl of some rule or regulation or just saying something poorly judged. You can have a whole twitter storm etc. Descend on you and depending on intersectionality and your background you may well not be able to stand tall and shout back at someone attacking you.<br />
<br />
This relates to the twitter mob and it means I have to look at my own behaviour when I have been in it. The mob mentality I'd strong, it's simple and morally just and a group of righteous people who think like you do. Anyone who has a differing opinion or is ignorant of what is so obvious to those inside the mob are wholly wrong and you feel justified in your picking at them. It's like bullies in the playground, it's the animal that takes joy in bringing down those weaker in the pack. It's the sexist, racist, homophobe mentality, it's the KKK or indeed the black panthers, it's any group that creates an us and them.<br />
<br />
We are all people after all and surely the way to change behaviour we don't like is to persuade and inform but not to chastise. In the past few weeks I've seen a fair amount of in-fighting, insults and slurs flying around.<br />
I (will attempt to) kindly say this to others who may have been involved. We are all people, we have intersectional biases and challenges and experiences.<br />
It's difficult enough to get into politics if you're a cis white man, let alone anyone else, but when we attack those who might misjudge their actions or get something wrong we lose what we are fighting for. We leave the concept of a united Cambridge at the door.<br />
Indeed this is meant to be what we are trying to get away from as a society, braying pmqs and insulting fellow candidates.<br />
<br />
Having questioned my own actions in twitter storms. I would really like to say that I'm very sorry for jumping to conclusions and judging myself just to challenge you, I'm sorry if I have embarrassed you as a person, while I may have disagreed vehemently with what you were saying I should not have acted in such a knee jerk way. I think as a society we are better than that, let's work towards that as exploratory partners, not attack dogs with a scent.<br />
<br />
This is just a brain fart from my head as it comes rather than planned in any way or even properly proof-read. I'm hoping I can get away with it.Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-13365366069492253792015-08-04T04:19:00.000+01:002015-08-04T04:29:00.912+01:00Long time no speak Womble-Watchers, it appears I'm rubbish at blogging. Too much worrying about whether what I say is palatable or meaningful or worth anything.<br />
Too long have I let this place become a mausoleum for my online life... I'm not even tweeting much anymore.<br />
<br />
I want to jump back in but I'm not sure how, like a child having fallen from their bike I'm feeling apprehensive about how to get on again.<br />
<br />
I think/hope I get it, I think my fear of what others might think about my thoughts is stopping me from exploring what they actually are. I'm not <i>living </i>online anymore, I'm not sure how but I want to start again.<br />
<br />
This tempest inside my head brought up the idea of Internet anonymity past and present.<br />
<br />
There have been recent stories of the right to be forgotten, I kind of miss the Internet of old where we were, at least somewhat screaming into the void, connected but not physically.<br />
<br />
I'm now in a situation where many of my closest friends and I met online, generally on Twitter but yet I've all but retired from Twitter.<br />
<br />
I wonder whether it's because my online persona is now around 5/6 years old at least and the people that care know who/where I am in real life. It leaves me feeling more than a little unsafe. A good old flame war is one thing but when someone can bring those flames to your front door it's quite another.<br />
<br />
I guess the thing to attempt is to care less, somewhere along the line the whole wide world sprouted teeth and got all shadowy and dangerous.<br />
<br />
I want to claim our togetherness back. I want to feel supported by each other rather than concentrating on ways I could get hurt.<br />
<br />
My wonderful real life tweep network are some of the most lovely and supportive people I've ever met, I choose to believe that the majority of the world is like this instead of being as fox news would present it.<br />
<br />
Anyway, this whole rambling post was meant to be a warning that I may post more regularly or I may not (Depends if I want to really), also a restating of the purpose of this blog...<br />
<br />
Some sort of mixture of baking, cooking, crafting, disability, health/social policy, mental health issues and graphics. It may or may not be interesting, that's not the point, the point is if I can work out s focus for my blogging and my thoughts I would be really more prolific than I am.<br />
<br />
I think that will do me for now.<br />
<br />
WWomblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-46270508715025236542014-02-04T23:39:00.000+00:002014-02-04T23:42:18.142+00:00Renewed and personalised lamp.Hello blogging people! Long time no see.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqz2umHmijTP7AS753FGHNSoXL1E9ySp-Hs4TtKvEsUA646AzOsRtZUW5g_NN-n1afX7lXcvx8GLW2ggLQfQjLOfhIz24-GpKSbV30Ey797iTkvkjvttZTbII1CDdcbSOeenHrbLxakVU/s1600/2014-02-04+18.11.31.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqz2umHmijTP7AS753FGHNSoXL1E9ySp-Hs4TtKvEsUA646AzOsRtZUW5g_NN-n1afX7lXcvx8GLW2ggLQfQjLOfhIz24-GpKSbV30Ey797iTkvkjvttZTbII1CDdcbSOeenHrbLxakVU/s1600/2014-02-04+18.11.31.png" height="191" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I have recently renewed an old lamp I got from a hoarder's house clearance. Due to the years and the hoarding it'd got very dirty and needed a lot of cleaning but after cleaning I love the way it still has a lovely shabby look.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHigsH9VT2OnTFr7cVNj8750elXMBSaZ3aLH0mmfrezxpaT9PxOwpV-v21nBTq0mYq3ypSt1NfwPOLBVz9a0c8TmTNuf4erMdj_idiJElkIK7Bne_UJUwURQNVHRO_oeZ_zxrN9k9cW04/s1600/B&R.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHigsH9VT2OnTFr7cVNj8750elXMBSaZ3aLH0mmfrezxpaT9PxOwpV-v21nBTq0mYq3ypSt1NfwPOLBVz9a0c8TmTNuf4erMdj_idiJElkIK7Bne_UJUwURQNVHRO_oeZ_zxrN9k9cW04/s1600/B&R.png" height="266" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Before and After</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
I used cleaning wipes, dettol and old toothbrush to get the dirt from all the nooks and crannies but it's been stained by the years of buildup. I could have painted it up again but I like the aged feeling to it.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLbuI6b5UZOOWEQsrlFBNGObpSdrH0Tup6RXNMW_9HxbhUdAhp3UyshTtkozjF47zmXLNH0Ptzr-_8wSNLDS8GsL_3WzSlW81wd5pCofy6mb_Lrqu-UoISalGpGk23mIyZ6QFddo3bg4Y/s1600/Shade.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLbuI6b5UZOOWEQsrlFBNGObpSdrH0Tup6RXNMW_9HxbhUdAhp3UyshTtkozjF47zmXLNH0Ptzr-_8wSNLDS8GsL_3WzSlW81wd5pCofy6mb_Lrqu-UoISalGpGk23mIyZ6QFddo3bg4Y/s1600/Shade.png" height="133" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I've started to build up purple and dark <br />
red items in my new place so this fits well<br />
without feeling too "themey"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
I bought a cheap lampshade for £3.99 and attached some (24) vinyl stickers (wall decals from ebay) and boom, a simple and quick lamp rejuvenation for next to nothing.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtuHkaajbimcHKOoAkJm79z46ErjEYy-ODlMAAqatb6StdBvIT_vAls8vyMSYn0XKsA2IDSjbxVAJLppy7Nbm1Nga_MiLFDd7EtxXEdK4hBvagul5t4_BKTAfwzMVZXvqGANUj7OsCLww/s1600/2014-02-04+18.11.50.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtuHkaajbimcHKOoAkJm79z46ErjEYy-ODlMAAqatb6StdBvIT_vAls8vyMSYn0XKsA2IDSjbxVAJLppy7Nbm1Nga_MiLFDd7EtxXEdK4hBvagul5t4_BKTAfwzMVZXvqGANUj7OsCLww/s1600/2014-02-04+18.11.50.png" height="191" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I used Plum and Maroon butterfly stickers <br />
but you could use whatever fits with your style.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Wombleface x</div>
<br />Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-35240625707664267402013-03-04T23:26:00.001+00:002013-03-04T23:30:55.599+00:00Butternut Squash Risotto (5:2) So today I started the 5:2 eating plan.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzVflVTIjr1zfRFRibqBh7W_iiiOASAFaisDGUavKuZCDRsuTv9ZFRG-jrl87pSqeWNjGhfX0vO60sufQPlJHBzDfzv-rtsp9cFzpFDR1rBrGj4UiVulb_bX04nL3nqAu7dI67FYT0ZE8/s1600/2013-03-03+23.16.25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="191" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzVflVTIjr1zfRFRibqBh7W_iiiOASAFaisDGUavKuZCDRsuTv9ZFRG-jrl87pSqeWNjGhfX0vO60sufQPlJHBzDfzv-rtsp9cFzpFDR1rBrGj4UiVulb_bX04nL3nqAu7dI67FYT0ZE8/s320/2013-03-03+23.16.25.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Please 'scuse the letter and plug included!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
I used Myfitnesspal to work out the kcals etc. of the ingredients but the site doesn't seem to have recipes syncing with the database so I thought I'd write it down for now.<br />
<br />
Ingredients:<br />
<br />
Parmesan, 12 g<br />
Aborio Risotto Rice, 50 g<br />
1 Vegetable Stock Cube<br />
Butternut Squash 250g approx<br />
1 tsp of Worcester sauce (can be omitted to make fully veggie)<br />
1 tbsp of soy sauce<br />
approx half a pint of boiled water, more if needed.<br />
(337 kcals)<br />
<br />
<br />
Cut up butternut squash, bake for 30 mins at 220 degrees C/ gas mark 7.<br />
Then put squash in pan and mash lightly.<br />
Add rice, stock cube, soy sauce and Worcestershire sauce in a pan with about 3/4 of a pint of water.<br />
Simmer for about 15 mins, stirring occasionally, then add most of the Parmesan and keep stirring, add a little more water if it starts to stick. Trust your instincts, it's ready when you can draw a spoon through the base of the pan and the metal appears and the risotto is porridgey. garnish with remaining Parmesan.<br />
<br />
Oh my goodness this was amazing!<br />
<br />
I have further nutritional data through myfitnesspal though I'm not 100% on values.<br />
carbs: 67g<br />
fat: 3g<br />
protein: 7g<br />
sodium 626 mg<br />
sugar: 6 g<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-44572837607719010922013-01-23T03:44:00.001+00:002013-01-23T03:58:21.635+00:00Sewing a Nexus 7 cover<p>While I spent my childhood with an adept sewer for a mum, I never was much cop myself, in fact I'm still not. But at least nowadays I can manage a fairly straight seem on the machine. I have always wanted to be good at sewing, but never practised enough to actually attain that level of competency.</p>
<p>So here's the deal, I recently received my new nexus 7 tablet (free gift with my new phone contract) and so bought a Bluetooth keyboard/cover to go with it, however I had had the idea of sliding the entire thing into a nice 'envelope' style case since I saw @mlbrook put her Mac book in a similar case when we did the social media videos (I still need to finish the post about that process off!).</p>
<p>So anyway, back to the sewing talk, I was having a short out of clothes and was sorting out a few bags for charity when I came across a purple tank top that I adore but just didn't fit right.<br>
Eventually u decided that actually this was a good candidate for felting in the washing machine and though it didn't work properly it did make me think of the case I really liked.</p>
<p>I picked up the teal coloured polyester satin from a remanant bin in the haberdashery dept of John Lewis in town earlier. I just cut out the shapes I needed (further instructions to follow) and with a bit of machine sewing and the occasional but of unpicking when I got the pattern in my head turned around I left a smallish gap of a few inches at the side to turn it right way out and sewed that bit up by hand.</p>
<p>Then I took a bit of a risk and used the button hole setting on my sewing machine for the first time... Cut a slit in the centre of that and then finished with a button, et voilà a very cute little nexus 7 pouch in a few hours!</p>
<div class='separator' style='clear: both; text-align: center;'> <a href='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOXw7DFnxau3WcCq8H-HugFO1cgbRmkWTksAOhRAs7GauQ_U-72RiNtiNzClgfEQd_aIXXcpYNNIKrkeyJNRVyJvjTqjbO5AcIvOoQ6JRaw0ooY2jo6IdQq0CDzp8Rpk46M2xkyey5kaM/s1600/IMAG0294.jpg' imageanchor='1' style='margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;'> <img border='0' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOXw7DFnxau3WcCq8H-HugFO1cgbRmkWTksAOhRAs7GauQ_U-72RiNtiNzClgfEQd_aIXXcpYNNIKrkeyJNRVyJvjTqjbO5AcIvOoQ6JRaw0ooY2jo6IdQq0CDzp8Rpk46M2xkyey5kaM/s640/IMAG0294.jpg' /> </a> </div>Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-4518228693618011672013-01-07T02:54:00.001+00:002013-01-07T02:57:18.004+00:00Having a little difficulty<p>I haven't written in a while, mainly because my life has been so crazy I've not actually written any goals for 2013 because I've not really had any head space to write them.</p>
<p>I think I'm going to try to in fact just write here, once a day if possible, just as a general diary, doesn't matter about what but just getting my thoughts down is a good step forward I think.</p>
<p>Goals I want to get done before the end of January </p>
<p>My Goals for Jan 2013</p>
<p>1:To clear out my flat, to truly get rid of stuff I don't need and to make space for me to be me.<br>
2:To clear out my clothes, trying to just keep the things that are good quality and fit well.<br>
3:To do my physio more often and increase my strength.<br>
4:To refer myself to the exercise program.<br>
5:To spend more time at home to look after me.<br>
6:To sort through my paper work and actually find a more usable system, shred what I don't need to keep.<br>
7:Put Shelves up because it might be a while til I get to move and I need to try to get my stuff sorted.<br>
8:Contact the Richmond Trust and get on their books.<br>
9:Go through debts and try to sort a plan of action.<br>
10:Buy more waste paper baskets to keep my place more manageable and easily tidy-able </p>
Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-5000215896836022792013-01-07T02:50:00.001+00:002013-01-07T02:52:15.992+00:00Accepting the problem exists without judging<p>My flat is a mess, it always has been to be honest, my varying mental states and energy levels mean I don't clear mess and trash (such as empty soda bottles and crisp packets, chocolate wrappers etc.) away, often because I want to recycle them but have nowhere to put them. I don't have places for my stuff, everything is higgledy and nothing (or very few things) have a home.</p>
<p>This is partially caused by my own apathy and fear, the "where do I start?" phenomenon. A strong contributing factor is my lack of feeling like I am the owner of my own personal space. I get things for "the flat" and not for me. I have no idea of how to organise things in a consistent, reproducable, and comfortable manner. I am aware this sounds like an excuse but in all honesty I don't think that's entirely the problem.</p>
<p>I think maybe in the way I don't value my own emotional and physical space as separate entities from those around me, I also never want to throw things away because they're useful, or I might need them some day.<br>
It's plain to see that this way of thinking about my life and space is unsustainable and that I will always end up in a hurricanous whirling mess.</p>
<p>It fills me with more fear than you know, dear reader, to think that I am a "Horder" as I don't want to be like this, it will not help me in the long run and it just leads back to depression.<br>
I have depression, but I also have physical health problems that mean that my activity is limited to the most "important" things, which invariably is friends and family however, spreading myself thin in this way leads to no respite and as I try to create a safe mental place for myself I also need to create a haven for my physical body to inhabit.</p>
<p>I was recently seen by an occupational therapist who will try to get me fairly high on the council list for a new, bigger, easier to manage flat. Obviousy I need to think about how to go through my stuff, not only to sort myself out for now but to create a safe place for my siblings to stay too and so I do not have too many boxes come moving time.</p>
<p>I think tomorrow I will start by writing down what I would like to achieve over the next 6-12 months.</p>
<p>I hope to write tomorrow.<br>
(Written 03/01/13)<br>
</p>
Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-53161607092295944772012-11-23T00:47:00.002+00:002012-11-23T12:18:00.469+00:00Veggie whatever you have Goulash<div style="text-align: center;">
<a alt="Goulash Pic" href="http://distilleryimage4.instagram.com/6905a13634fb11e29f1422000a1fbc0e_7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://distilleryimage4.instagram.com/6905a13634fb11e29f1422000a1fbc0e_7.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
Hi, in an attempt to get blogging again I'm just popping in this recipe because it's unbelievably easy and I can't believe I didn't know how to do it until a few months ago.<br />
<br />
Ingredients: Whatever you have really but I put in<br />
<br />
1 tin of chopped tomatoes<br />
1/2 a butternut squash<br />
1 small Swede<br />
1 courgette<br />
3 mushrooms<br />
3 peppers<br />
2 carrots<br />
1 parsnip<br />
2 stock cubes<br />
a few shakes of nutmeg, ginger and cinnamon<br />
a whole load of shakes of paprika<br />
soy sauce (and Worcester sauce if you have a veggie one)<br />
little pasta shapes (I have stars)<br />
dumplings! :-D<br />
<br />
Chop all veg up, shove in large slow cooker (think my new one is 3 litres), put in the tin of tomatoes and stock cubes, put in boiled water and spices/soy sauce and place slow cooker on low overnight or on high for 6 odd hours.<br />
Keep pasta and dumplings out until approx 45mins before serving, then put in to cook. When the dumplings are fat dish up, and then die of YUM!<br />
<br />
No idea how many this serves but it makes approx 3 litres of goulash. To make non veggie add meat! :-)Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-47771028805491599532012-08-10T00:25:00.000+01:002012-08-10T00:25:02.229+01:00High-Low!It has been a while since I wrote on here, I have been feeling a bit shit, so I've not really felt up to it.<br />
<br />
I'm still navigating the process of having any help at all for my mental health.<br />
The things that have changed.<br />
I'm seeing a different doctor who's not my GP but is absolutely lovely and seems to take a genuine interest in how the whole of me is doing.<br />
I have now been referred by her for definite (i.e. it's in my notes now) to the CMHT who are taking their own sweet time in doing anything about my referral. They're meant to have a 2 week turn around but it's been 3 and still no contact, I'm meant to go back to see her if I don't hear anything in another week or 2.<br />
<br />
My meds have been changed, so now I am on Sertraline, the reduction of citalopram mixed with the change to sertraline and this means I have been all over the place while my brain chemistry sorts itself out, especially as my MS has been all over with the heat and doing too much physically.<br />
<br />
Also, had my first counseling appointment, was nice to catch up but it is very scary and I'm not sure I feel safe enough to let go and start unpacking things at the moment, I need to actually cope first with day to day life.<br />
<br />
Some sources of stress have reduced, some are bigger, overall I feel like I'm just reacting to life now instead of actually having time to think, I'm not very well at all and I keep being reminded of that, and when I do it leads to feelings of inadequacy and the desire to do more and more to fill up the empty. However, I know ultimately this is unsustainable. I really have to try and learn to do pacing, however I also need to have support while doing this as I'm still not coping too well.<br />
<br />
Anyways, things are starting to feel like they're getting somewhere, still finding it difficult to stop at all though, I very rarely am not doing something at all. I need to slow down a bit before I break.<br />
<br />
Anyways, thought I'd keep y'all updated on my quest to get some form of help.<br />
*waves to everyone*<br />
<br />
<br />Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-54507813009339982752012-06-28T13:46:00.000+01:002012-06-28T13:46:04.162+01:00A Letter to Cam-MindI just sent this email to cam-mind in the hope of getting some support, I post it here in the hope it will help others.<br />
<br />
Subject: Support and possible advocacy<br />Hi, My name is Ceri and I am currently struggling with my mental health.<br /><br />I have had depression for a few years now and it effects all aspects of my life.<br />I am having major problems with my mental health, especially as I am caring for many people in my life. I also have MS.<br />
I have been referred to the counselling service at Lawrence way and have
had an initial appointment, am waiting another 3 months at least for
actual counselling.<br />I am currently having difficulty with
communication with my doctor, because I rarely act on the impulses I
have to self harm and don't think I would act on impulses to end my life
though they are very tempting and I really want to at the time, I don't
feel I am being taken seriously. She has referred me to a gateway worker
at the surgery but this apparently takes months.<br />
In the mean time she wanted me to get on the waiting list for choices
for women (which I haven't yet done) and my friend took me to A&E
after a bit of a crisis. The Psychiatrist at the hospital said I would
be referred to the community mental health team as an urgent case. More
than 2 weeks later (just this morning) I went to my GP to chase up what
was going on to be told that she had thought the A&E doc had done it
but hadn't. She is now reducing my citalopram to 10mg from 20mg in
order to up my amitriptyline (for MS pain) to 50mg from 30mg. I told her
that since then I had spent half an hour in the bath sobbing because I
wanted to self harm so much with the razor I used to shave my legs. I
have not even been given a PHQ9 by her (I am a health science graduate
so knew what to look for on the internet, just took and got a 21) and I
feel I have more complex problems than (and this is a direct quote)
"Just moderate depression". I simply cannot cope much longer, I am
falling apart and need help but am running out of ways I know to ask for
it.<br />
Please forgive me for being so frank, I could just really do with some
help accessing services and support. I'm not an emergency, just not up
to a wait of 3 months.<br />ThanksWomblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-17939610827410865892012-05-21T04:40:00.000+01:002012-05-23T05:56:42.853+01:00Braindump! - Update<div>
I am sitting here, having had a fairly major panic attack and hysteria episode one step from self harming, still quite close if I'm honest.<br />
I have a doctor's appointment in the am, to discuss my mental health and that I think I need more support, and possibly assessment by a psyche professional. I figure I'm not sleeping right now so I guess I could write down what's up and maybe it could help with tomorrow.<br />
There's no reason why I can't share it with you guys.<br />
I feel completely petrified of being abandoned all the time, anyone who I care about either has or in my mind will abandon me when they find out what a terrible person I am.<br />
In the pursuit of trying to alleviate this I have been known to let people walk all over me, to cause great physical and mental distress to myself and sometimes lie to try to provide support to everyone in my life so that they do not abandon me.<br />
This is because I feel empty all the time, I feel that I am not worth anything and that my life when not filled with other people ultimately is grotesque and completely devoid of meaning.<br />
I feel as though I have no internal validation and therefore I must always be validated externally, continually. The ideal, though I can never attain it is to be held in good esteem by every single person I meet in my life, for the entire of my life.<br />
To do this I act recklessly, I overstretch myself financially, I binge eat continually, hardly eating sometimes while eating to excess at others, I binge socialise and I run myself into the ground continually to seek approval. I start to fall apart if I meet two opposing opinions on what I should be doing and I start to internalise this which can lead to self harm or an alarming lack of self care on occasion.<br />
I try to be everyone, I try to be a counsellor, a mother, a daughter a friend, a sister, a lover, a companion with everything that is in me, to complete these task to perfection is the overwhelming aim of my life, what else could there be?<br />
I get very upset, because I CAN'T be everyone, if I dress in black I am invariably upsetting someone, as I would be if I put my hair up or wore jeans, slight preferences become very important things to be achieved within my mind, if I can't do them I am failing in some massive way.<br />
This leads to me feeling extremely upset, if I cope I am failing, if I self harm I am failing, if I play games I am failing, I can never be good enough for everyone.<br />
I have been known to self harm, I am very prone to thoughts of harming myself or suicidal thoughts, though because of the aforesaid need to please I manage to overcome these in the main because I feel I can't fail in that way, I feel I do not have enough control over myself to even be free to self injure, or indeed do this with food, this I believe is part of why I binge eat, it is a form of self harm and control, wildly flailing from one extreme to the next.<br />
While talking about flailing, I often flail into very deep pits of hysterical crying and critical thinking, they used to be very common, and now are monthly/quarterly but they last anything from 4 hours to a week now, I have learnt to ride them out in the main and to talk about them, but I feel suicidal and like self harming, it used to be catastrophic, especially for my relationships as people often tried to fix what was wrong and couldn't see why I was so upset. It was a very long time before I realised it was a cycle, I always thought it was about something wrong in my life and when I couldn't think what was wrong I would normally be able to find something. Now I know it's an acute anxiety attack and that it will fade with time.<br />
I tend to latch onto people and form very close attachments where they quickly become the centre of my world and I lose my sense of self, everything becomes about pleasing them and this becomes very difficult to square up with the rest of my world.<br />
My sleep pattern is all over, because my self care and boundaries are total rubbish I tend to let my awake/sleep pattern slide all over, I fit my schedule around others and sleep when I can.<br />
I tend to make choices about my life by amalgamating what everyone else wants for me, this can be exacerbated by whoever I have talked to most at the time and trying to please them. Things tend to be unsustainable in the long term and fall apart, leading to paralysing fear of completing a task I have failed at, of phoning up to pay a bill I am behind on etc. I am so scared of confrontation and failure that I will make things worse in an attempt to avoid facing it.<br />
Right, I'm sure this isn't anywhere near all of the crap that is wrong with me but now I am going to get a drink and go to bed because I have the Doctor's in the am, am very tired and also dehydrated and nauseous, when I get fraught with emotion I have to strongly fight the urge to throw up to steady my nerves, mixed with the overproduction of acid that happens when I'm feeling naff and it all goes a bit wrong really.<br />
Anyways, night guys.<br />
I shall try to take this with me tomorrow<br />
Ceri-Womble x<br />
<br />
EDIT: In all the excitement I forgot that when I get started on a task I find it very difficult to complete as I go completely overboard. The other week I cleaned my sink as the start of a new leaf. I started at midnight with soaking it with a bleach mixture, finished at about half 2 and then started again as soon as I got up for about 4-5 hours because it wasn't right. I was so upset it wasn't perfect that I was close to tears and filed, sanded and buffed it. I do this whenever I try to do something properly, I go overboard and can't cope when things aren't perfect.<br />
The sink still worries me because it's yet another part of my life I can't control!<br />
<br />
- UPDATE -<br />
I went to the doctor's, she can't do anything to change my medication, she suggested a local charity that may be able to help me but have a waiting list of a year, and said she would refer me to someone who does assessments at my local surgery (a gateway worker or something). As it happened, later that day the local counselling place I had been on the waiting list for for a month or so phoned up with a first appointment for Monday.<br />
Still, it doesn't really help that I go to my Doctor, having obviously been up and crying all night (she was visibly shocked at my appearance) and was offered nothing by way of additional help, after asking for it because I was in crisis.<br />
This is ridiculous, what on earth am I meant to do? It was only coincidence that the counselling people came through on the same day for Pete's sake, and no offer of any increase or change in medication despite saying I had once again felt suicidal/like self harming.<br />
Me-thinks it might be time to change GP!<br />
<br />
On the upside I am feeling much better now, though I have gone through 1 day of horrendous headache and one of a migraine before feeling better. I have wonderful friends and supportive family who have helped me through but not everyone has these amazing people to support them! Minimum intervention can't always work!</div>Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-65311131784778938442012-05-07T23:45:00.001+01:002012-05-07T23:45:13.771+01:00Hey strangersHey, I'm having a bit of a rest, to be honest my personal timeline is a bit of a blur and I'm not even sure how I'd start to catch you all up.<br />
I've been out, to the theatre, to comedy, to pubs, to coffee shops, all over!!!<br />
I'm very happy with everything I've been up to and the wonderful friends I have found. I am even starting to trust people again, I still feel a little as if if I stop concentrating on what I'm doing I'll drop everything and everything will fall away again.<br />
But that's just my stupid brain trying to see patterns because I'm a human being.<br />
There are still a million things I'm not doing well enough, but I suppose if I had done everything and my life was in a nice grinding loop (MMO ref there...) then I'd not actually have to do stuff at all, have no urge to make things better. I just have to get a bit less freaked out by the fact I'm always a fingertip away from falling down the cliff and instead know that if I fall it's not the end of the world really and I can just carry on and make it all up as I go along if I like!<br />
Equally though I'm learning to give myself time and rest etc. though I'm still not very good at that.<br />
<br />
So I am writing this down while I'm feeling a little like I've had 5 mins to think.<br />
Also, if I look like I'm making this up it's because I am!<br />
Regardless of the fact that some people look down on social media and don't see its value, I have now got exactly that, a social network of like minded people who are real!<br />
AMAZING HUH?! <br />
Much love everyone!Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-23554467439462337192012-04-09T02:33:00.000+01:002012-04-09T02:33:35.670+01:00Jack of all tradesMy brain says, you never finish anything, idiot! When it's trying to have a go at me!<br />
<br />
I write blog posts, I compose poetry, I write songs, I sing silly songs.<br />
I go out, I support people, a lot of actually quite messed up people, I am RARELY at home for a full day anymore, I volunteer, I lampwork.<br />
<br />
The last time I was like this I was at college, go out every day I mean, I didn't do lots of that other stuff!<br />
<br />I have MS, I can't even walk without a stick half the time.<br />
<br />
So why do I feel like I'm never good enough?! What a fucker! I'm my own bloody worst enemy entirely. If I knew what I went through every day I wouldn't say these things to me!<br />
NOBODY else can EVER come close to the barrage of abuse I give myself on a minute by minute basis.<br />
<br />
I'm nothing and everything all at once and I never rest to feel rested, just to stave off exhaustion, probably because I feel shit about myself or some childhood trauma, but really? It's not on really is it? It's just RUDE! I'd never think half the stuff I think about me about others! Why am I so fucking special? What is it about me that makes me think I'm better than everyone else eh?<br />
<br />
I should cut myself some slack coz holy crap I'm a harsh bitch when I don't like someone. Thing is, the only person I really feel like this about is me.<br />
I have no idea why I think I'm alright to pass comment on my own life so harshly, maybe it's because they say you have to walk a mile in a man's shoes! Thing is, if you come to hate the man occasionally for no good reason it's a bit of a pisser really isn't it?!<br />
<br />Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-36366094309461658012012-03-29T01:49:00.000+01:002012-11-23T12:19:53.059+00:00Baking and Blocks (Bran-Muffin Recipes)<br />
Hi, I've been suffering some with writer's block lately so I haven't been blogging, this is something I want to nip in the bud though.<br />
<br />
So, before a Guide open evening tomorrow evening I'm baking muffins for the cake stall.<br />
<br />
First spoony trick was a) buy chocolate and plain muffins in Tesco £1 for 12 deal.<br />
b) make two energy conserving conscious batches of muffins, making 2 bran based recipes meant not cleaning out the food processor between the batches!<br />
Please note: Should you have a Cat they may STEAL your seat while you slave in the kitchen, THEY DO NOT CARE THAT YOU ARE BAKING! *Sighs at lack of Cat/Human relations awareness*<br />
<br />
Cran-Bran Muffins the Ceri way<br />
<br />
a) Find recipe online that you can start with and fiddle with depending on what you have in the cupboard. (<a href="http://www.weightlossresources.co.uk/recipes/low-gi/cranberry-cinnamon-bran-muffins.htm" target="_blank">Recipe Here</a>)<br />
b) preheat oven to 150 Centigrade<br />
c) get ingredients:<br />
2 7/8 oz Bran flakes because they had them in value at Tesco.<br />
a pinch of Salt<br />
a pack of Crasins<br />
2 7/8 oz brown sugar<br />
1 Med egg (I had Duck eggs to use up)<br />
a "glug" or 2 of sunflower oil<br />
2 tsp of baking powder<br />
about 2 tsp cinnamon<br />
5 oz self rasing flower (I had no wholemeal or bicarb)<br />
enough milk to make it like thick cake mix when you whizz it in a food processor<br />
<br />
d) put muffin cases in tray, divide mix between muffin spacey things (I made 12)<br />
cook for 20-25 mins <br />
<br />
Banana-Bran Muffins the Ceri way<br />
a) Find a recipe that, the same as the above you can play with! (<a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/bananabranmuffins_77392" target="_blank">Recipe Here</a>)<br />
b) preheat oven to 150 Centigrade<br />
c) get ingredients:<br />
<br />
4 1/4 oz butter<br />
3 1/2 oz brown sugar<br />
3 bananas mashed<br />
2 capfuls of the little bottles of vanilla extract<br />
2 eggs (I used the duck ones again)<br />
6 1/2 oz SR flour (again, was out of bicarb and wholemeal flour)<br />
3 1/2 oz bran flakes<br />
2 tsp baking powder<br />
pinch salt<br />
and whizz up in a mixer with enough milk to make a gooey batter thing<br />
d put muffin cases in tray, divide mix between muffin spacey things (I made 18)<br />
cook for 20-25 mins, realise oven doesn't seem to be working... take out, put back in after you think you have sorted oven out, realise you haven't, turn oven off and decide to bake in Mother's oven tomorrow!<br />
<br />
The end <br />
<br />Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-31724463756063834842012-03-20T20:35:00.001+00:002012-03-20T20:45:15.106+00:00Damage the new thing!I remember this feeling, I have had it so often. I get something new and I can't use it coz I'll damage it and make it useless. I know it's kind of wrong to feel like this though, having fun <i>is</i> using it for something useful!<br />
I have felt like this with everything, silver, glass, books, jewellery, comics. Tell you what.<br />
From today I have decided that I shall just jump in when I feel like this and <i>damage</i> the new thing as soon as I get it until I am no longer scared.<br />
This I believe will be the cure to the problem, however not today as my body is being all crap and MSie! How dare it? It's not like I pushed it at all is it? *whistles nonchalantly* Maybe the thing that I have no problem damaging is me, maybe it's coz I feel ruined already! That's a depressing thought.<br />
Ohhh, Look! PIZZA!<br />
Hooray!<br />
<br />
Anyways, yes, I can tell you about my fabric!<br />
So yeah, the Burberry type is just a silly skirt I got from a jumble sale coz it looked like I could use it for fabric.<br />
The apple green satin came from Emmaus, a charity down my way and was £6 for a large amount (240cm x 180cm with a seam in the middle).<br />
The kind of green spotty cream cotton fabric was 32 cm worth for £1.50<br />
the three little rolls are fat quarters from Callyco in Cambridge whole lot for £8<br />
and there are 50 squares of 4cm x 4cm cotton for £7.50ish off ebay<br />
I'm starting to get there, I wanted to bring another colour into my beigey living room and decided for mainly apple green (though I'm gonna have some red in there too with other accessories).<br />
Will hopefully get my first project done soon.<br />
Horrah!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVVENB_fJMB2w9GenUzerOzIQ0qhgq1rh_iRB3lLIvBq0-2T1htBSC5CLZ2GDlOjfACzgfuCxdgG3nf6FGs7YaQZbgOcCcNgR4BhBO_4dX8d2ESzyeCjOrfo1HbgGxLT_4ntlYQQItZE0/s1600/IMAG1142.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="191" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVVENB_fJMB2w9GenUzerOzIQ0qhgq1rh_iRB3lLIvBq0-2T1htBSC5CLZ2GDlOjfACzgfuCxdgG3nf6FGs7YaQZbgOcCcNgR4BhBO_4dX8d2ESzyeCjOrfo1HbgGxLT_4ntlYQQItZE0/s320/IMAG1142.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-80381928593063826342012-03-19T22:58:00.000+00:002012-03-20T00:48:45.099+00:00Undateable?<a href="http://liberalconspiracy.org/2012/03/18/channel-4-stigmatises-disabled-in-new-series/" target="_blank">Channel 4 has just announced a series talking about sex/relationships etc. with regard to disability called "Undateable".</a><br />
Edit: I should have made it clear that I am not only talking about the channel 4 show here but the 70% of people who wouldn't shag a disabled person (from an observer survey through <a href="http://lisystvthoughts.tumblr.com/post/19473043717/image-description-low-quality-image-of-a" target="_blank">@lisybabe</a>).<br />
<br />
For me the term "undateable" itself is highly pejorative and insulting. It may not have been meant to suggest that someone with a disability and/or life limiting condition is in some way less worthy of love but that is outwardly how their advertising appears to be selling the show, that we have less worth within a relationship or are harder to love, though this may be trying to be ironic all it does is perpetuate a stereotype that is just gross and unacceptable.<br />
In my opinion, having to deal with adversity is a commendable trait to have, in fact it often makes someone more emotionally mature, sensitive and capable of having a long term relationship and being more understanding.<br />
In my eyes there's nothing quite so off putting as someone who would be so judgemental as to rule out a huge swathe of the population for dating purposes. Honestly, I find it really unattractive as a personal trait.<br />
<br />
Some people might be into blonds or bums or people with glasses, choosiness is fine, however completely excluding people based on one unchangable aspect of their life really says more about the person doing the excluding than the ones being "excluded". I don't believe that it can be classed in the same way as sexual orientation, if you don't find disabled people sexy then fine but if you actively exclude people entirely based on this one part of who they are then you hardly come across as emotionally mature.<br />
<br />
Maybe the dicks who are so judgemental as to not be interested in someone with a physical or mental issues purely on that basis are truly the "Undateable" ones!Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-49911015824561726782012-03-11T01:31:00.000+00:002012-03-11T13:14:44.011+00:00Toxicity, thoughts about people.I have had several reasons to post this recently but never actually did it, I think I was scared that people might think it's about them. However honestly anyone who has made me feel like this is unlikely to read it because, well, they don't care and if they do then maybe they'll think about how they treat people, either way..... PROFIT.<br />
<br />
<br />
We like all animals are predisposed to addiction.<br />
We like things that make us feel good, that give us a rush.<br />
We like food and alcohol and chocolate and cocaine and nicotine and caffeine and people etc..<br />
When any of these things gives us internal validation (generally through stuff like dopamine production) we crave more of it though, we need more and more of what we think we need in order to feel good, about life, about ourselves, all sorts.<br />
I don't pretend to know exactly the myriad of reasons behind this, I do know that receptor cells when flooded with their matching chemical do eventually require more and more of said chemical to get the same reaction. Also, why would you stop doing something that feels good?<br />
Therefore we partake in behaviours that, while we know are counterproductive and bad for us, feel good at the time. Regardless of long term consequences we drink to excess or chase the dragon, or have sex or hang out with people that flatter us.<br />
Yeah, we don't always think about that one do we? The people who tell us we are good at stuff and brilliant and fabulous, and still are worth the world even when we know we're far from perfect. We crave someone who will think we're amazing, and while that's lovely it gets us to lower our defences, some people thrive on this, some people prey on the vulnerable.<br />
Once they have found someone who is sufficiently laid bare, damaged and scared the abuse can begin, they will build us up only to tear us down. We will actually hang on to these people like nothing else, hoping to please them more while they treat us like dirt, it only makes the high greater when it does hit, when they do throw a stray nice word or compliment our way.<br />
<br />
Some people are drawn to drama, I am not actually one of these people, though the catalogue of my life so far would seem to indicate otherwise. However, I'm learning, as we all are.<br />
We eventually will spot the bellends before they get under our skin... before they tramp mud in the metaphorical house that is us.<br />
But it'll take a massive amount of time.<br />
Do not forget that you are not alone in having fallen victim to a bellend, however do not become a "victim" for it is then that they win.<br />
<br />
Also, it's worth bearing in mind that though I'm not trying to excuse bellends I'm also not trying to entirely vilify them, they have just gotten into a pattern that feels good and are having to feed it with people.<br />
People are just people, however, at some stage someone needs to realise that the relationship, just like a drug, is toxic, and that the best way forward is to remove the toxic substance from our lives.<br />
<br />
<br />Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-16537681123400815692012-02-28T00:03:00.001+00:002012-02-28T00:03:11.987+00:00Worry Hyperdrive! Anxiety at the Speed of Light!<div><p>I don't know why I care so much, maybe I'm broken or odd! Years after events i will still be plagued with dreams and worry. I wonder if others feel like this or if I have some kind of personal defect. I wonder how others can carry on if they are plagued with these thoughts. They're disabling enough to me to cause me to continually lay down without a fight, to be walked on. If other people feel this way then how do they live their lives day to day? If they do feel like me, they still think about childhood misdeeds then how can they get through the guilt? I don't get it. I still think about people I forgot to give things back to 10 years down the line, it's like guilt quicksand.</p>
<p>Anyone able to help on this? Do you feel the same? Do you take issue with what i say? Please let me know.</p>
</div>Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-6843840061990273362012-02-14T01:42:00.000+00:002012-02-14T01:42:09.394+00:00Galavanting about!This is a bit of a catchup post I think, I can't remember where I last was when I blogged properly.<br />
But since then I have been to the houses of parliament and met Julian Huppert, Prof Gazzard and had a bit of a tour of the Palace of Westminster.<br />
This was all courtesy of the people I volunteer for at Dhiverse, an HIV and sexual health charity based in Cambridge, they've been so lovely, welcoming and understanding of me. It's a real pleasure to be volunteering with them. But anyways, they invited me on this trip to London and it was a real privilege to go.<br />
It was amazing! So much history there, I could just spend months looking around at all the plaques and stuff!<br />
<br />
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This is me and all the <a href="http://www.dhiverse.org.uk/" target="_blank">Dhiverse</a> team with Julian Huppert (@julianhuppert)</div>
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Then the next day, despite being in pain I went to the first #camtwoffee meeting, was loads of fun! </div>
<br />
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I met @imogen__may, @oneoffdave, @gingerrob, </div>
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@weebles1703, @fayroberts and @living_as_if</div>
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Then, a few days later I was off again to London for #pufflespublunch very interesting, met some fab people and had very interesting discussions and some mad fun having a snowball fight!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGpaNLOytCaCypfqe1LVGUGuqBJQNnYngHF-r_mAZQfCgSkQ8EJ4tcigAF-GWXLvirPedwF2wccnXx4yyGsrXLfkDvRUpZGZ9cKsRMIGvH6b_leud8GeBqsTd2q1RH0-U6E_TBbHsSeSM/s1600/IMAG0986.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="119" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGpaNLOytCaCypfqe1LVGUGuqBJQNnYngHF-r_mAZQfCgSkQ8EJ4tcigAF-GWXLvirPedwF2wccnXx4yyGsrXLfkDvRUpZGZ9cKsRMIGvH6b_leud8GeBqsTd2q1RH0-U6E_TBbHsSeSM/s200/IMAG0986.jpg" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGCMK2tMtPk484EE87ZmhcFYejSyGGf8H2iMG_wiC1qP4EcNpkpjCFJy5AjUx556Kw2j_sqnBF7g-Mh7w6vwpC0RdHbfsHLPD98iQnvohLpnRU8333cQYaONIjaLE6XaaIA34B8EzfWFU/s1600/IMAG0988.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="119" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGCMK2tMtPk484EE87ZmhcFYejSyGGf8H2iMG_wiC1qP4EcNpkpjCFJy5AjUx556Kw2j_sqnBF7g-Mh7w6vwpC0RdHbfsHLPD98iQnvohLpnRU8333cQYaONIjaLE6XaaIA34B8EzfWFU/s200/IMAG0988.jpg" width="200" /></a><br />
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@Puffles2010 was looking very pretty as usual and everyone I met was fab! Thanks to @thatsoph, @Penners_, @Dottysparkles, @Karmel80, @julesmattsson, @davebirdphoto, @MattRedmore, (I feel sure I have forgotten people, if you point out who they are then I'll pop them in! I don't remember everyone's twitter name).<br />
<br />
<br />By the end of all that I felt exhausted and sore and most of the week after it has been a blur, I went to go help my grandparents again (a normal weekly thing). I saw friends, I vegged a bit.<br />
<br />
Anyways, I don't think anything amazing and life shattering has happened since then so I'm alright.<br />
<br />
Oh, also, I'm doing an audioboo project, I am doing one silly "song" for every letter in the alphabet! So far I am up to K for Kraken, I shall do a huge blog post when I'm finished them all!<br />
<br />
Right, I believe this means you know some stuff about what I've been up to and I've stopped the blogging silence!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUBtfe8oxchQo52EDoJOvws6BKRyil88Ac1Rk7IXcBM3YBPyaOIBXbS2k2Ig-L8Jib0kzGCjBp-wACpOpQ7aujWETkeaG1iGV2b9FhUUvXqK36-uGqvDrcbq7S2v0Z-jLI3gOoZosUeF4/s1600/IMAG1001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-91565683015525585012012-02-10T04:08:00.001+00:002012-02-10T04:10:17.765+00:00OverloadHi, it's been too long my dears.<br />
I was reminded this morning it'd been a while since I last blogged by Kate Sutton of <a href="http://www.witwitwoo.com/" target="_blank">Witwitwoo</a> who put my blog post <a href="http://www.liberatedwomble.co.uk/2012/01/open-letter-to-me.html" target="_blank">Open Letter to Me</a> in her BritMums <a href="http://www.britmumsblog.com/2012/02/good-reads-sex-and-stolen-cafe-seats/" target="_blank">Good Reads</a> post.<br />
It has been far too long, mainly necessetated by being far too busy, I have not been looking after my spoons and as a consequence do not have a whole lot more left at present.<br />
Tomorrow I am doing stuff and I have a Jumble Sale to man (or woman) on Saturday but I hope that I'll get a catchup post done at some point.<br />
Been doing lots of interesting stuff (to me anyways) I should share with you all, not had a lot of energy to blog when I've even been able to.<br />
But I want to change that, I want to get back into doing a few posts a week.<br />
I have been a very naughty Womble... blame the snow! When Wombles burrow in the snow they get snowdementia and go a bit weird (this is a bonafide 100% true Womble fact, ask any Womble you know to confirm it and they will!).<br />
<br />
Anyways, bed time for me!<br />
Nighty night people on the Internet!<br />
xWomblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-59670948402824503172012-02-03T02:04:00.000+00:002012-11-23T12:19:26.854+00:00Cauliflower and sweetcorn curry type stuff!Right, this is kind of thrown together, I just did it by feel so all values are approx.<br />
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<br />
1 cauliflower<br />
1 tin of sweetcorn<br />
1 1/2 pints of water<br />
2 vegetable stock cubes<br />
10 drops Worcester sauce<br />
3 sloshes soy sauce<br />
10 drops lemon juice<br />
4 tablespoons Plain Yogurt<br />
4 teaspoons mild curry powder <br />
50-100g or so of plain flower (enough to thicken)<br />
2 Tablespoons Brown Sugar<br />
<br />
Break the Cauliflower into Florette's and roughly cut the leaves, place in slow cooker, on low. Add 1 1/2 pints of water, stock cubes, Worcester sauce, soy sauce, lemon juice and curry powder.<br />
Leave for 8+ hours (overnight.... but I left it for 2 nights because I was busy) reduce liquid for running for an hour or two with the lid off. Add yogurt, add drained sweetcorn, sieve in flower while stirring to thicken sauce. Cook with lid on for an hour or more, then cook rice, add some of this to it and EAT!<br />
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Nice!<br />
<br />Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-33415658749830266432012-01-28T01:26:00.003+00:002012-01-28T01:28:48.521+00:00An Open Letter to meHi Ceri<br />
<br />
You're feeling a bit crap aren't you? <i><u>*nods*</u></i> Do be careful hun, you have just cried all over the keyboard. You don't want to end up shorting it out, it wont work then. <u><i>*shakes head*</i></u><br />
<br />
Right, Ceri, oh womble of quite a lot of brain really for you have a degree and your own thoughts and stuff. You can be simple minded at times <u><i>*drinks wine and sniffs*</i></u> you are scared, far too scared of people. <u><i>*nods*</i></u><br />
<br />
You are really scared of telling people what you want and need aren't you? <u><i>*nods as tears fall*</i></u> Because whenever you have in the past you have been called unreasonable, or are thought of, and told you are being a bad person. <u><i>*snivels and blows nose*</i></u><br />
<br />
I know honey that the people you are used to having in life are those that actually couldn't give two craps but that make you feel as if it's all you deserve, but you are worth more than that. <u><i>*pouts and looks disbelieving, and whimpers as more tears fall* </i></u><br />
<br />
You are allowed, and SHOULD be able to say what you want and need sometimes. People who can't give you what you need in life, people who don't think you should be able to express what you feel, they're not worth it. It's not worth spending all your energy on the people who make you feel inadequate.<br />
<br />
You are worth more, you are nice, and a human being, and fallible, and funny, and silly, and your nose is pretty, even it it is a little red and snot filled right now.<br />
<u><i>*nods, wipes the tears from her nose and finishes her glass of wine* </i></u><br />
<br />
And then the lovely nurturing Ceri and the not so happy Ceri watched some TV on the laptop, coz they needed to unwind and reintegrate. - also, massive thanks to @miss_sobriety who chatted to me partway through this and cheered me up to the point where I could actually see the screen again.<br />
If I/we could actually behave towards ourselves in the same way we talk to others then we'd all be fine actually wouldn't we?!<br />
<br />
Upset Ceri pipes up and says she must listen to this first! <u><i>*watches*</i></u> Right.... time to find comedy!<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/G7Q1CaPHx90?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-1874972485329414062012-01-26T22:21:00.001+00:002012-01-26T22:21:28.650+00:00I am bloody good enough, and OW!I write this, through tears, my back screaming because though recently it has been wanting to do things that are impossible with the human spine I am currently only able to be somewhere between approx a 60- 140 degree angle. I have a thumping headache, my head is swimming, I can't even have the TV sound on because the volume is hurting too much. I am finding it a job to swallow and I have stigmata pain in both my hands. Also, for every 5 seconds or so I am getting about 4-5 twinges in my muscles/nerves.<br />
<br />
I am scared. I am back on my crutch nearly full time when I leave the house and I am exhausted all the time, not including the level of exhausted I am when I've been out. I am now on quite a few meds and still feeling crap, I know this is only a wobble brought on by some kind of virus but it freaks me out, I <i>want</i> to do <i>so many things</i>.<br />
Then I go online, the only place I feel I have any impact, the only place I can be equal and "normal" I come into contact with the <a href="http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/jamesdelingpole/100132880/the-fake-disabled-are-crippling-our-economy/" target="_blank">Telegraph</a> and <a href="http://politicalscrapbook.net/2012/01/rod-liddle-disabled-the-sun/" target="_blank">The Sun (c/o political scrapbook)</a> stories, they scare the hell out of me, they make me want to curl up and die.<br />
<br />
They make me feel as if everything I am trying my absolute best to do is never enough, my working relentlessly while being unfit for work at finishing my OU degree, my volunteering to try to gain experience and strength etc. is all for nothing. As if nothing I will ever do will be enough in the eyes of the world at large.<br />
<br />
I get it you know? I know; I know that some of you view me as a piece of dirt, as a scrounger. However I know better, I know that I am a human being, I know I desperately want to get better, but MS is progressive. I want to get the strength I had prior to my recent attack back but that may never happen. It has taken me years to accept this is how my life is and I still don't entirely, it doesn't really help when the rest of the world fails to accept it too.<br />
I still feel "maybe if you just tried harder", I still feel like I should try, relentlessly for approval but I'll never get it. Maybe I should just accept that some people will always view me as workshy and a scrounger.<br />
<br />
However, I look at this from outside and you know what I see? I see someone who has been abused, I see someone who feels as if this is what they deserve and the part of me that has studied health and diversity and social policy and a wee bit of psychology looks at the little scared me and despairs.<br />
<br />
This is a ridiculous state of affairs! It's holocaust memorial day, a reminder of what hate of what you do not understand or tolerate can lead to, a reminder of what hateful governments can do to their own people. More than 70 years later can we still be doing this to people, segmenting into those that are deserving and "moral" and those who deficient in some way? Now people must fight to be seen as rightfully disabled, as ill <i>enough</i>, and <i>morally</i> upright citizens, and <i>enough</i> for "the tax payer", that we must strive so hard for recognition or are <i>scrounging</i> and therefore a cancer on society.<br />
<br />
There is, after all, a thing called "National Insurance" (also, more than 70 years old, as is the NHS) people forget, that this pays for the welfare state, we pay for it, we all pay for it. we all are one, we are one people, yet somehow the government is instilling hate in the hearts of the paranoid. We are <i>all</i> being "taken for a ride" by these "scroungers".<br />
<br />
You know what? Fuck it, I have <b>rights</b> in this country, that's why I love Britain, rights that <i>my grandparents</i> fought for, rights that every citizen is <b><i>rightfully</i></b> entitled to, and this does not have to do with justifying my right to have a meagre struggle of a bloody existence, it has to do with compassion, with understanding, with healing the sick, with supporting the poor, with legislating the private sector so that people do not have to live in squalid conditions, or are not left disabled by faulty bloody breast implants, or left without income, so that nobody should die in poverty.<br />
<br />
It's the country I always thought I lived in, it's the country I fight to live in every, single day. Where ignorance isn't fought with ignorance, where distrust isn't fought with more distrust, and where people who already have a pretty bloody crappy lot in life are allowed to have a bit of actual dignity, not having to join the very <i>real analogue</i> of a workhouse just to eat, where people are provided with the help they need to go to the bloody toilet, or wash their bits!<br />
<br />
If you do not want to live in this country, please tell me why the hell not, tell me, why, living with daily pain striving to get through (not even starting on the mental health issues), struggling to eventually get out of the benefit hole I am in of sickness and social immobility is not bloody good enough for you, do that or kindly bugger off.<br />
<br />
<br />Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-7836078121814506822012-01-22T01:30:00.000+00:002012-01-22T01:30:30.679+00:00Virus fairy and feeling Ugh!I Had a visit from the virus fairy this weekend. I've been rather burning the candle from both ends lately, been not having hardly any <i>down time</i> and not much sleep.<br />
Although I'm ok with it to a point, eventually my body cracks, I just don't have the ability to keep going like I used to pre the attack of this summer.<br />
So I spent Thursday evening, Friday and Saturday Morning in bed, had loads of sleep, even though it still doesn't feel like anywhere near enough.<br />
Eventually forced myself into getting up, got dressed, felt exhausted.<br />
I really need to sort the flat out, get rid of all the crap.<br />
Thing is, even just getting up, getting dressed, washing a few plates etc. and sitting around all day feels like too much at the moment; and I fall even more behind on the housework, even less chance of getting all the other jobs I need to do done.<br />
I really need to sort all my stuff out, chuck away a load of stuff, thing is, it's getting started, and continuing... lets be honest, it's the whole darn thing. I have no energy anymore.<br />
<br />
So yeah, in an attempt to make myself feel a little bit useful today I made a new avatar for twitter.<br />
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That concludes the interestingness of my day, well it probably doesn't, I've just hit brain fog territory and I can't think anymore. <br />
<br />
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<br />Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6375687677877663886.post-11498765452287298342012-01-15T23:26:00.000+00:002012-01-15T23:27:27.466+00:00Save my hair!Look, I am terrible at explaining the actual issues in text form so thought I'd just show you!<br />
<br />
Tell me what the hell to do! I currently use Rehab shampoo and Retread conditioner from Lush, but although this is lovely and makes my hair amazingly soft and shiny it doesn't actually sort out the underlying issue... I use frizz ease currently too... it helps it retain some moisture but not much.<br />
HELP! Save my hair!<br />
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<br />
Ceri xx<br />
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<br />Womblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00672541573741822921noreply@blogger.com0