Saturday 14 January 2012

Friends are the Familly you choose for yourself.

Why is it that Nothing within my life feels fixed? I feel broken, inside, like I am fractured into pieces. I have literally nowhere in the world I feel safe anymore. I always feel as if I am about to have a rug pulled from under me and then people will either all laugh at me or pull me apart to tell me how wretched I am.

I am paranoid, I have always tended towards paranoia, but now, recently I am full on paranoid, when I feel bad I find it hard to express now, I think that everyone is just waiting to trip me up so they can stab me in the back, as if everyone will hate me when they find out who I really am, as if I'm actually entirely alone in the world and it's entirely devoid of any hope and empty.

However, I know this is untrue, I know I'm paranoid and depressed, I know I can feel better, but then something happens, it doesn't have to be much, it doesn't have to even make sense, and I freeze, I fall apart and I lose myself again.

I know that not all of my friends will abandon me and attack me and try to destroy me but sometimes I can't be sensible, sometimes I can't believe it. I know the old adage that friends are the family that you choose yourself, but I expect both to stick with me... Family I would define to be the people I can bicker with but still we come together and love and support.

I thought I had that in my friends but due to various circumstances I now find that very hard to accept, I feel that any time I stand up, any time I don't lay down and be exactly what everyone else wants me to be I might have somebody switch on me and I will not only lose the people I care about but be suddenly in a world where everything is trying to attack me.

I can't trust people, I can't trust anymore and it breaks my heart. It's wrong and weird that someone who used to find it very easy to confide feelings in others now finds it easier to post her feelings on her blog than talk to her friends. It's almost safer, even though it's not, I can't be rejected in the same way.

It makes me very angry and sad on my own behalf.


  1. Paranoia sucks, and it's painful to experience. I think of it as one of my brain's attempt to protect me that works like an over sensitive fire alarm. Unfortunately sometimes other people can be a bit crap, intentionally or not. Then are brain has a bit of evidence and that's bigger than all nice stuff. But when we accidently burn our hand on a stove, our body files away that danger and we avoid it. I find being really paranoid and trying to interact is like trying to put your hand on a hot stove to see if it burns, it's hard to do something when your alarm systems are shouting 'no, don't do it, it hurts'. And, as we are social creatures, interacting is 'a big deal'. I'm sorry you're in such a horrid, painful and scary place. I know we've only virtually met, but you seem like a lovely person who is just having a horrible time.

  2. *HUGS* I also have that problem and I have the hardest time explaining to my friends that it's not because I think there's anything wrong with them, it's because I think there's everything wrong with me!! *further hugs* I think the good here is that even though you're having the feelings, you have enough insight to know that it's depression talking, and enough self-compassion to feel angry and sad on your own behalf. That's a pretty big achievement when you're in the grip of overwhelming paranoia. I really hope it gets better soon, at least somewhat better. *still further hugs*